When I say I want to wrap my hands around her throat, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. She just won't SHUT THE FUCK UP. Honestly yelling and screaming about this and that isn't gonna change things, it isn't gonna put my brother back enrolled in the college he went to this past year, it isn't gonna change the fact that you don't have a full time job, it isn't gonna change the fact that your life and the things around you aren't going the way you want them to, so shut up. No one wants to hear your mouth 24/7 and then you wonder why no one wants to be in the house and around you. 

I just need to let some stuff out.

This is honestly the 18th birthday to remember, I don't think I could ever forget this day and the day leading up to it. I just don't know anymore, I feel like I'm losing faith in everything and I'm letting everyone down around me. I just wanna leave, just run away as far as I can to not have to deal with all of this. I have NO idea where my friend is, I tried calling his house phone twice today and no one picked up which is putting an idea in my head that he's gone. Then we tried a couple hospitals near his house to see if he was there and still no. If I found out that he's gone I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. Don't worry my day gets even better. 

So for a while now I've been talking to someone and the thing about it is that they really started to like me and wanted to be with me and at first to be honest I only thought of them as a friend because of who they are. Then as we continued to talk, it moved to skype like all the time we'd do the text chat thingy with a few vid chats here and there and over time I did develop feelings for them. I found out that they liked me more than a friend, but I told them that I didn't, but I really did. When we text chatted I'd tell them that I did have feelings, but when we were face to face my emotions never backed that up. Then yesterday I find out they no longer have feelings for me like they're confused on how I really feel because I never show it. It sucks because I honestly can't get them out of my head, I feel like 100x better when we talk like I wait and count the hours till they get off work and I've been so excited because this person will be coming down to the area where I'll be for college in May and I've just been so pumped for that, but this...this sucks. I don't know what it is, but I guess this is why I've never really been in a relationship. I don't know how to show feelings towards someone else, I don't express myself, and that turns them away and I lose something or someone I really do care for. I just don't know anymore, I don't know anything. I can't force them to like me again, and I just don't know what to do. It sucks even more because this isn't just a guy I like, but it's a girl I met that I like and maybe it's because I've never been in this situation because I'm straight, but I just don't know.

so today's my 18th birthday

You'd think it'd be a huge celebration, I mean you only get the chance to turn 18 once, but it hasn't been. I've been hit with terrible news that one of my close guy friends might have harmed himself and no one knows where he is. He lives in a different state than me and hasn't had a phone for sometime this year because he broke his during the school year and the last time I spoke with him was when he informed us that he was out of his house, had nowhere to go and said that he didn't see himself having a future. The best gift I could get today is just some form of communication from him or his mom telling me that he's alright and he's safe.

as usual

This bitch never shuts the fuck up about the same shit everyday. Yelling about my brother and his school situation isn't going to change anything, fussing at me about little stupid shit isn't changing anything, and complaining about how you need to comeback home soon so you can find when you can set up this job interview isn't gonna get us to move quicker because we DON'T want/need to leave so your fatass can go and pay some bill. Then ontop of that she wants us to go to the library after she pays her bill, and no not the library up the street from our house, but the one on the other side of town.

to be social or not to be social

So last night my friend invited me to this pool party/bbq that was to be hosted by one of our other friends' cousin or something and idk if I want to go or not. Sure it will be nice doing something other than being in the house all day on the computer, but then again I probs won't know that many people and if she knows more heads than me I don't wanna be following her around every where she goes nor am I really in the mood to socialize and make friends. I'd rather just be around people that I already know so it's less awkward.

I just got her text saying please try and make it...I don't want to disappoint but then again I don't really wanna go. I wonder if my bff Felipe is going, then I wouldn't mind at all. 

It's funny how she never has anything to say when my dad is here, but as soon as he leaves she wants to start talking.

...

I know it's wrong, but sometimes I just want to end my life just to see her reaction and if she finally takes back everything she's done to me. Honestly her constant angry outbursts get on my last nerve and all this rage and anger just builds up whenever I have to interact with her.

she can't be serious right now

This bitch seriously just said, "When ya'll finish school I'm gonna start working on me." The fuck? Why are you waiting 4 or so years for that to happen when your fat ass should be looking for a full time job right now? What you need to be doing is losing weight and out here looking and applying to some jobs instead of complaining every two seconds and waiting on someone else to do it for you. 

something.

One thing I don't really get/understand is that my brother really screwed himself over his first year in college, and doesn't go to the school he went to anymore because he has no scholarship money and we definitely can't afford it, but he shows zero effort in really looking for a job or trying to get into a community college to get his credits unless my mom yells at home so he just ends up leaving the house. I mean all he wants to do is play video games and  see his girlfriend and go to the mall and all that. I'm not sure if it's because that's just how he wants to deal with all of this or if he really doesn't want to go to school or if he feels that college isn't for him. If the later is the case, I feel he should atleast say something now so mommy will stop fussing and screaming and just let him do whatever it is he wants to do, but atleast get a job or something. He literally has NO money saved up or anything because he would use it all when he was in school. 

It's just hard with all the yelling and fussing and screaming. I'm trying to stay positive and hope for the best, but so far it's not looking so bright. 

Can't stand her

This bitch has the nerve to say we do nothing, but sit around on the computer all day? What the fuck are you doing but waiting to see if other people can do everything for you. I really can't stand being in this house with her, she flips out when other people won't do what SHE needs to have done and then makes everyone else in the house suffer.

are you serious?

Honestly I don't understand how some people can make a huge fucking scene about a favor they requested someone else do. This is benefiting YOU not me, I'm not the one that needs this, you do. And now you're gonna go an cut off the cable because you're too lazy to go and look for jobs for YOURSELF or finish YOUR resumé? How the fuck do you look. Seriously FUCK you.

Terrible (Bad News pt. 2)

I was excited to be away from home and hanging out with the homies in ________ since it would be one of the last times we're all together with all of us going to different schools and what not next year. The first night was chill, I stayed over a friends house and the next day two other friends came up and were staying at the same place I was for the night. Our intentions were to go out to dinner later that night and meet up with more friends who were staying in town with another friend and what not. The dinner was alright for the most part, there was some drama (especially when it came to the bill), and then we were all looking for stuff to do afterwards (mind you pretty much everyone was drunk & high except for me because I don't do that) so I'll cut down some of the stuff that happened before I get to the bad part, but there was a lot of hooking up, a lot of drinking, and so my two friends and our host ended up leaving to hang out with a friend of hers closer to her house so just in case her mom called we could say we're coming home. We end up meeting with her friend and I had the idea that we were going to their place to chill for a bit and then go home. Boy was I wrong. They brought us to their "chill spot" which was a basement, and mind you there were...

I'm sorry, but I honestly can't write the rest. I just want to say that if I could go back I would want everything that happened to you that night to have happened to me and I should have pulled all you guys out of there no matter the consequence instead of sitting back and then eventually leaving that place. I'm sorry to have yelled and swore at ya'll because I had no idea what really was happening. I just sat there and watched without doing something. After that night I know you said to me that if you killed yourself that you would have no shame or regret about it, and I don't ever want you to say anything like that again, but at the same time I too wanted to do the same for not being the friend I thought I was and that not being here would help numb the pain of what happened. 

Bad news pt. 1

First off I just wanted to say that things have gotten a lot worse in these past few days, my brother can't go back to school because he screwed up terribly his first year so my mom is upset at him for doing that, and my dad tries not to say anything and act like he doesn't care, but I know he does, but that's just how he is. My mom found out before it was time for me to head out to NY to see my friends and what not, and she learned that my bro didn't improve his grades from first semester and in order for him to come back he would have to make up 20 something credits over the summer and without any type of financial aid that wouldn't be possible. So now he's out of school and it's just so hard on my mom. I hope this teaches him a lesson and he learns from it.

Have no fear, my troubles only worsen.