I haven't talked to him since

So I have yet to speak with my dad since the whole argument last Sunday, nor have I actually seen him since. Yeah I know he's been in the house, and he actually is right now, but our paths haven't crossed yet and I want to apologize, but I know he probably won't accept it. This is so ridiculous like he's acting like a child right now instead of confronting, or just talking to me about what happened rather than just playing the I'm just gonna do whatever it is that I need to do and let her mother worry about her. Like come on, you're 40 something years old behaving like an eleven year old. The worst part about it is that I need to get some information from him for this scholarship that he gave for my brother and I to fill out and with this temper tantrum, it's not making anything any better.

I'm done.

"You're done." The exact words my so called dad said to me after I slammed the door for the second time today. I never told you all this but the last time I was this low was when I heard my dad say that he wished he never had me, and I was so emotional after that, I "ran away" well just left the house when he was in the bathroom and didn't come back until my mom came home from work. Then today he admitted that whatever he had to do that prevented him from picking me up from work today was more important than me. How can the person who's supposed to love and protect you, the person who makes up one half of your DNA say something like that?

The parents who don't want to be parents

My parents are both so annoying and their actions make it seem like they shouldn't have to do certain things that pertain to me like pick me up from school or bring me somewhere. Then on top of that they want to make it seem like they're the better parent and that the other one is wrong, or never does something for me. Well when I ask one of you to pick me up from school and you flip out and say why can't the other one get you how much of a "better" parent do you look right now? Honestly I sometimes feel like it would be better if I never knew my dad or he wasn't so prevalent in my life because the way he acts makes it seem as though he just doesn't want to be bothered. Well if you have a problem with doing oh I don't know YOUR JOB AS A PARENT then maybe you shouldn't have signed up for this. If I'm asking you to just pick me up every once in a while to give my mom a break why are you making such a big deal about it? Just do it and don't give me an excuse that "you might have something to do later" when all you're gonna do is come back home like 10 minutes after I get picked up. Oh and don't think I forgot about you mom. Every time she asks me to ask my dad to do something for me she's like "make sure you come up with something for whatever excuse he gives you" and when I do and it turns into this HUGE argument, she's like don't be so fresh or say anything back. Like WHAT? YOU were the one to tell me to say something back and now YOU don't want me to do it anymore? And then whenever I want to not talk to her because it will just piss me off, I'm giving attitude. Really now? No maybe I just don't want to be bothered and would like to just relax and listen to myself for a while and not you, why is that so much to ask for?

Ugh (The Day Afterwards)

After him telling me he's trying to hook up with my friend, I honestly can't get that out of my head and I can just tell he's serious about it too. The worst part is is that I'm pretty sure she's gonna try and get with him as well which sucks even more because I like him. 

UGH

We need to chat like ASAP. How ironic it is that it's about love on Valentine's Day too. So there's this guy that I really like and I'm like friends with, but he dated another friend of mine his sophomore year (I'm a year older) and they're over and what not, and I've had a crush on him since last year and it only grows more and more as we hang out and what not. The downfalls is that I know he's a player, he has girls out the ying yang, and he's been/is hooking up with some girls at my school and what not. The reason why I like him is that he's funny, easy to talk to, athletic, and I feel like if he really put in the effort he'd be a great boyfriend, but he's not looking for any of that though, just to have a good time. However this crush of mine is still there. Today after basketball practice I was gonna go with my friend back to her dorm before dinner, and he was waiting around and was play fighting and what not, and got in the way of the door so I couldn't go with my friend out, so I just stayed there until dinner. We were in the gym and when he had his arm around me (in a play fighting kind of way) he was like "Will you be my valentine?" and in my head I was like "YESSS" and then a second later he was like "Sike." Even something like that just gives me hope that he may like me back in that way. I know this sounds so desperate and what not, but I think the story might come off more than it really was lol. So we played ball together and I beat him, and we were walking up to dinner, and he was like, "you know I'm trying to get with one of your friends right?" 
WHY CAN'T HE JUST SEE THAT I LIKE HIM, AND STOP DOING THIS.

I'm sorry if you can't take a joke

So apparently when I'm trying to make a joke it's taken as me being mean, yet when you do it to me it's all good? I can see if I'm honestly being mean and doing it repeatedly to you and you getting upset, but if I do it at random times, and stop how am I being mean. As a friend I think we should know where we're being serious and when it's just a joke. This whole thing is ridiculous, little things like this give me more reason to not open up and express myself with other people. 

stop talking

I love how the chick with NO JOB, no experience in the law field has all the talk in the world about how I might turn out when I become a lawyer. How about you work on you and shut up about something you know NOTHING about. I'm glad I get to get away for 2 days, I can't take it.

I feel bad...

I feel bad for blowing off a friend who I SAID we should hang out this weekend since I'm free. I totally regret this whole thing, like we were supposed to hang today, and couldn't because I made other plans with another friend to go snowboarding, then I blew her over again for tomorrow because I made plans to sleepover another friends house yesterday. I'm so awful.

My Home isn't where My Heart is

I think something's wrong when the last place you'd want to be is home. Home is supposed to be the place you look forward to being, but thats the complete opposite for me. Home is where I get yelled at, home is where all of my bad thoughts get released, home is where I feel anything I do is never good enough, home is where the bad feelings get stuffed in a little box in my head and left there just getting bigger and bigger each time I walk through the door. Home isn't where I want to be, or atleast this isn't the home I want. My fantasies are lives with very different parents, with a different life, I feel so under appreciated in my own home yet I feel as though I belong when I'm around other people's parents. I'm depressed and it seems like no one can see it, maybe it's because I'm so good at concealing it so they can't find it.

snowboardinggg today!

OMG Hey ya'll, how's everybody doing today? Everybody okay? Had a great Saturday so far? Yea well this post would be all exciting and upbeat, if I hadn't come home. The beginning was good, I went snowboarding with a friend of mine which was AMAZING, and really surprising that everybody was so nice like it was awesome. It was my first time legitimately snowboarding, and even though I fell a lot it was still mighty chill and the people on the mountain were very nice, employees and those just riding the mountain alike. The only downfall of that trip was that I lost my gloves :(

Is it bad?

Is it bad I'd rather tell my achievements to my friends' parents than my own? That I feel like they'd be more happy and supportive of me than my own? I feel like I can really be myself when I'm in the presence of my "fake parents" and talk about school and other problems than with my own.

Is it bad that I'm constantly in a fantasy would where I'm someone different than myself because I feel like I'm sometimes not good enough? Sure I make mistakes, but I'm still pretty decent. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't sneak out anywhere, but I get treated as though I have done some of those things before my by own parents. The only places I go are school and home, and I'd rather be at school than deal with reality at home on most occasions.

Is it bad?