it just gets harder

These days have only been getting tougher and tougher to handle, now that work is over with I have to be home and hear this bitch fuss and scream 24/7 about nonsense. I mean even this morning she woke up with a vengeance or something and looking for stuff she could yell at me about. I KNOW what I need to do, I'm not 12, I'm 18 so start treating me like an adult. I don't need to in my ear about every single thing I need to do, I know what I have to do so shut the fuck up and worry about yourself. Right now I dread being with her when I'm off to school, she's gonna be down there a week with me and I can already imagine how terrible she's gonna make that week feel. I can't wait until she's back home and I don't have to hear her constant fussing.

a little update

Sorry I haven't been blogging on here lately, but I have been on my other personal blog which is good. Monday was really tough, and it ruined my chance to talk to my girl, but I guess I'll have to move on. Nothing really going on much except that I'm having about 10 different heat strokes right now and I can't turn on my a/c unless the woman gives me permission too. I've also been thinking, I am proud of the fact that I don't drink or smoke, but sometimes (especially Monday night) I kind of want to. Not because everyone else is doing it, but because it would help me forget about my problems momentarily and just enjoy myself. I'm hoping I don't start smoking, but if I continue having these bad nights I really feel as though I will start to smoke. 

Seriously tho, I really think she has some sort of mental issue or something. She really is going off right now about taking a 10/15 minute long shower right now and just was banging on the bathroom door about my brother needing to get out so she can go in, when any other time she'd be saying "oh well there's two bathrooms in the house you can use the one in the basement." Shouting about the bathroom isn't anything serious so calm down, like she's really getting riled up over something insignificant. Then when she's shouting it all directs back to my brother and how he messed up in school and then she goes off about that and then finds something she can yell at me about. It's so frustrating, I had a great day at work today and I have to come home to this every day.

talk and feelings

I feel like my life is more boring now than it was before. I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to, the person I used to talk to like everynight stopped talking to me 3 days after my birthday (go me). Let me tell you about the lead up to it, I told ya'll that they said they no longer had feelings like they were before, I tried one last attempt at winning them back and it didn't work (not really surprising cause I had my chance), and I get a boat load of reasons why. "I use to like you so, so, so much but you never liked me back, until now. I wouldn’t say that I am completely over you but for the most part I am. Three months is kind of a long time to like some and not have them return the favour. I don’t know how but you need to stop liking me and try to get over this. Even if I do want something more with you, it just won’t work. On the real, I am 20 and I need SEX." At least I got some honesty. It kind of feels like this real reason came, the last argument and what not happened so that they could be free to do whatever without worrying about what it would mean to me. I mean hey like you said you are 20 and you need sex and a long distance thang probably wouldn't work out, but it'd have been nice to hear before feelings got involved. I mean I am also to blame, idk now that we don't talk at all it just sucks. I miss it.

When I say I want to wrap my hands around her throat, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. She just won't SHUT THE FUCK UP. Honestly yelling and screaming about this and that isn't gonna change things, it isn't gonna put my brother back enrolled in the college he went to this past year, it isn't gonna change the fact that you don't have a full time job, it isn't gonna change the fact that your life and the things around you aren't going the way you want them to, so shut up. No one wants to hear your mouth 24/7 and then you wonder why no one wants to be in the house and around you. 

I just need to let some stuff out.

This is honestly the 18th birthday to remember, I don't think I could ever forget this day and the day leading up to it. I just don't know anymore, I feel like I'm losing faith in everything and I'm letting everyone down around me. I just wanna leave, just run away as far as I can to not have to deal with all of this. I have NO idea where my friend is, I tried calling his house phone twice today and no one picked up which is putting an idea in my head that he's gone. Then we tried a couple hospitals near his house to see if he was there and still no. If I found out that he's gone I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. Don't worry my day gets even better. 

So for a while now I've been talking to someone and the thing about it is that they really started to like me and wanted to be with me and at first to be honest I only thought of them as a friend because of who they are. Then as we continued to talk, it moved to skype like all the time we'd do the text chat thingy with a few vid chats here and there and over time I did develop feelings for them. I found out that they liked me more than a friend, but I told them that I didn't, but I really did. When we text chatted I'd tell them that I did have feelings, but when we were face to face my emotions never backed that up. Then yesterday I find out they no longer have feelings for me like they're confused on how I really feel because I never show it. It sucks because I honestly can't get them out of my head, I feel like 100x better when we talk like I wait and count the hours till they get off work and I've been so excited because this person will be coming down to the area where I'll be for college in May and I've just been so pumped for that, but this...this sucks. I don't know what it is, but I guess this is why I've never really been in a relationship. I don't know how to show feelings towards someone else, I don't express myself, and that turns them away and I lose something or someone I really do care for. I just don't know anymore, I don't know anything. I can't force them to like me again, and I just don't know what to do. It sucks even more because this isn't just a guy I like, but it's a girl I met that I like and maybe it's because I've never been in this situation because I'm straight, but I just don't know.

so today's my 18th birthday

You'd think it'd be a huge celebration, I mean you only get the chance to turn 18 once, but it hasn't been. I've been hit with terrible news that one of my close guy friends might have harmed himself and no one knows where he is. He lives in a different state than me and hasn't had a phone for sometime this year because he broke his during the school year and the last time I spoke with him was when he informed us that he was out of his house, had nowhere to go and said that he didn't see himself having a future. The best gift I could get today is just some form of communication from him or his mom telling me that he's alright and he's safe.