I just need to let some stuff out.

This is honestly the 18th birthday to remember, I don't think I could ever forget this day and the day leading up to it. I just don't know anymore, I feel like I'm losing faith in everything and I'm letting everyone down around me. I just wanna leave, just run away as far as I can to not have to deal with all of this. I have NO idea where my friend is, I tried calling his house phone twice today and no one picked up which is putting an idea in my head that he's gone. Then we tried a couple hospitals near his house to see if he was there and still no. If I found out that he's gone I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. Don't worry my day gets even better. 

So for a while now I've been talking to someone and the thing about it is that they really started to like me and wanted to be with me and at first to be honest I only thought of them as a friend because of who they are. Then as we continued to talk, it moved to skype like all the time we'd do the text chat thingy with a few vid chats here and there and over time I did develop feelings for them. I found out that they liked me more than a friend, but I told them that I didn't, but I really did. When we text chatted I'd tell them that I did have feelings, but when we were face to face my emotions never backed that up. Then yesterday I find out they no longer have feelings for me like they're confused on how I really feel because I never show it. It sucks because I honestly can't get them out of my head, I feel like 100x better when we talk like I wait and count the hours till they get off work and I've been so excited because this person will be coming down to the area where I'll be for college in May and I've just been so pumped for that, but this...this sucks. I don't know what it is, but I guess this is why I've never really been in a relationship. I don't know how to show feelings towards someone else, I don't express myself, and that turns them away and I lose something or someone I really do care for. I just don't know anymore, I don't know anything. I can't force them to like me again, and I just don't know what to do. It sucks even more because this isn't just a guy I like, but it's a girl I met that I like and maybe it's because I've never been in this situation because I'm straight, but I just don't know.

so today's my 18th birthday

You'd think it'd be a huge celebration, I mean you only get the chance to turn 18 once, but it hasn't been. I've been hit with terrible news that one of my close guy friends might have harmed himself and no one knows where he is. He lives in a different state than me and hasn't had a phone for sometime this year because he broke his during the school year and the last time I spoke with him was when he informed us that he was out of his house, had nowhere to go and said that he didn't see himself having a future. The best gift I could get today is just some form of communication from him or his mom telling me that he's alright and he's safe.

as usual

This bitch never shuts the fuck up about the same shit everyday. Yelling about my brother and his school situation isn't going to change anything, fussing at me about little stupid shit isn't changing anything, and complaining about how you need to comeback home soon so you can find when you can set up this job interview isn't gonna get us to move quicker because we DON'T want/need to leave so your fatass can go and pay some bill. Then ontop of that she wants us to go to the library after she pays her bill, and no not the library up the street from our house, but the one on the other side of town.

to be social or not to be social

So last night my friend invited me to this pool party/bbq that was to be hosted by one of our other friends' cousin or something and idk if I want to go or not. Sure it will be nice doing something other than being in the house all day on the computer, but then again I probs won't know that many people and if she knows more heads than me I don't wanna be following her around every where she goes nor am I really in the mood to socialize and make friends. I'd rather just be around people that I already know so it's less awkward.

I just got her text saying please try and make it...I don't want to disappoint but then again I don't really wanna go. I wonder if my bff Felipe is going, then I wouldn't mind at all. 

It's funny how she never has anything to say when my dad is here, but as soon as he leaves she wants to start talking.

...

I know it's wrong, but sometimes I just want to end my life just to see her reaction and if she finally takes back everything she's done to me. Honestly her constant angry outbursts get on my last nerve and all this rage and anger just builds up whenever I have to interact with her.

she can't be serious right now

This bitch seriously just said, "When ya'll finish school I'm gonna start working on me." The fuck? Why are you waiting 4 or so years for that to happen when your fat ass should be looking for a full time job right now? What you need to be doing is losing weight and out here looking and applying to some jobs instead of complaining every two seconds and waiting on someone else to do it for you.