talk and feelings

I feel like my life is more boring now than it was before. I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to, the person I used to talk to like everynight stopped talking to me 3 days after my birthday (go me). Let me tell you about the lead up to it, I told ya'll that they said they no longer had feelings like they were before, I tried one last attempt at winning them back and it didn't work (not really surprising cause I had my chance), and I get a boat load of reasons why. "I use to like you so, so, so much but you never liked me back, until now. I wouldn’t say that I am completely over you but for the most part I am. Three months is kind of a long time to like some and not have them return the favour. I don’t know how but you need to stop liking me and try to get over this. Even if I do want something more with you, it just won’t work. On the real, I am 20 and I need SEX." At least I got some honesty. It kind of feels like this real reason came, the last argument and what not happened so that they could be free to do whatever without worrying about what it would mean to me. I mean hey like you said you are 20 and you need sex and a long distance thang probably wouldn't work out, but it'd have been nice to hear before feelings got involved. I mean I am also to blame, idk now that we don't talk at all it just sucks. I miss it.

When I say I want to wrap my hands around her throat, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. She just won't SHUT THE FUCK UP. Honestly yelling and screaming about this and that isn't gonna change things, it isn't gonna put my brother back enrolled in the college he went to this past year, it isn't gonna change the fact that you don't have a full time job, it isn't gonna change the fact that your life and the things around you aren't going the way you want them to, so shut up. No one wants to hear your mouth 24/7 and then you wonder why no one wants to be in the house and around you. 

I just need to let some stuff out.

This is honestly the 18th birthday to remember, I don't think I could ever forget this day and the day leading up to it. I just don't know anymore, I feel like I'm losing faith in everything and I'm letting everyone down around me. I just wanna leave, just run away as far as I can to not have to deal with all of this. I have NO idea where my friend is, I tried calling his house phone twice today and no one picked up which is putting an idea in my head that he's gone. Then we tried a couple hospitals near his house to see if he was there and still no. If I found out that he's gone I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. Don't worry my day gets even better. 

So for a while now I've been talking to someone and the thing about it is that they really started to like me and wanted to be with me and at first to be honest I only thought of them as a friend because of who they are. Then as we continued to talk, it moved to skype like all the time we'd do the text chat thingy with a few vid chats here and there and over time I did develop feelings for them. I found out that they liked me more than a friend, but I told them that I didn't, but I really did. When we text chatted I'd tell them that I did have feelings, but when we were face to face my emotions never backed that up. Then yesterday I find out they no longer have feelings for me like they're confused on how I really feel because I never show it. It sucks because I honestly can't get them out of my head, I feel like 100x better when we talk like I wait and count the hours till they get off work and I've been so excited because this person will be coming down to the area where I'll be for college in May and I've just been so pumped for that, but this...this sucks. I don't know what it is, but I guess this is why I've never really been in a relationship. I don't know how to show feelings towards someone else, I don't express myself, and that turns them away and I lose something or someone I really do care for. I just don't know anymore, I don't know anything. I can't force them to like me again, and I just don't know what to do. It sucks even more because this isn't just a guy I like, but it's a girl I met that I like and maybe it's because I've never been in this situation because I'm straight, but I just don't know.

so today's my 18th birthday

You'd think it'd be a huge celebration, I mean you only get the chance to turn 18 once, but it hasn't been. I've been hit with terrible news that one of my close guy friends might have harmed himself and no one knows where he is. He lives in a different state than me and hasn't had a phone for sometime this year because he broke his during the school year and the last time I spoke with him was when he informed us that he was out of his house, had nowhere to go and said that he didn't see himself having a future. The best gift I could get today is just some form of communication from him or his mom telling me that he's alright and he's safe.

as usual

This bitch never shuts the fuck up about the same shit everyday. Yelling about my brother and his school situation isn't going to change anything, fussing at me about little stupid shit isn't changing anything, and complaining about how you need to comeback home soon so you can find when you can set up this job interview isn't gonna get us to move quicker because we DON'T want/need to leave so your fatass can go and pay some bill. Then ontop of that she wants us to go to the library after she pays her bill, and no not the library up the street from our house, but the one on the other side of town.

to be social or not to be social

So last night my friend invited me to this pool party/bbq that was to be hosted by one of our other friends' cousin or something and idk if I want to go or not. Sure it will be nice doing something other than being in the house all day on the computer, but then again I probs won't know that many people and if she knows more heads than me I don't wanna be following her around every where she goes nor am I really in the mood to socialize and make friends. I'd rather just be around people that I already know so it's less awkward.

I just got her text saying please try and make it...I don't want to disappoint but then again I don't really wanna go. I wonder if my bff Felipe is going, then I wouldn't mind at all. 

It's funny how she never has anything to say when my dad is here, but as soon as he leaves she wants to start talking.