**** My Mother

 She comes up with one idea and no matter what anyone says that will contradict her "facts" she's construe what they say so it backs her claims. There's no winning with her.

I haven't used this to vent in such a long time. I really need it now. My mom is pissing me off as usual, but even more about stuff that I know I should've been on top of earlier. I need my financial aid award for school because I leave next week, and she's just going off about how the people in the fin aid office are "putting me on a run around" because I haven't received my aid yet. The guy on the phone said it could take up to 2 weeks, but I told her I'd hear something some time this week (I guess that was bad on my part) and she's blowing up because I called in again and a fin aid officer said they're waiting on something from fafsa and I'll hear something early next week, but it's not good enough. I'm tired of hearing her mouth, I'm ready to go back so I'm not here paying her bills because she had some dumb idea that she's get another job quickly once she got laid off so she just sat around doing nothing all day and now she's barely making any money and is stressing out over her bills when she made that decision to not look for something. I just want to be at school and work on doing well in school, and spending time with my boyfriend (yes I have a boyfriend <3). She's just overly frustrating, and I'm like ready to snap and fall back in my bad place and I don't want to be there again.

it just gets harder

These days have only been getting tougher and tougher to handle, now that work is over with I have to be home and hear this bitch fuss and scream 24/7 about nonsense. I mean even this morning she woke up with a vengeance or something and looking for stuff she could yell at me about. I KNOW what I need to do, I'm not 12, I'm 18 so start treating me like an adult. I don't need to in my ear about every single thing I need to do, I know what I have to do so shut the fuck up and worry about yourself. Right now I dread being with her when I'm off to school, she's gonna be down there a week with me and I can already imagine how terrible she's gonna make that week feel. I can't wait until she's back home and I don't have to hear her constant fussing.

a little update

Sorry I haven't been blogging on here lately, but I have been on my other personal blog which is good. Monday was really tough, and it ruined my chance to talk to my girl, but I guess I'll have to move on. Nothing really going on much except that I'm having about 10 different heat strokes right now and I can't turn on my a/c unless the woman gives me permission too. I've also been thinking, I am proud of the fact that I don't drink or smoke, but sometimes (especially Monday night) I kind of want to. Not because everyone else is doing it, but because it would help me forget about my problems momentarily and just enjoy myself. I'm hoping I don't start smoking, but if I continue having these bad nights I really feel as though I will start to smoke. 

Seriously tho, I really think she has some sort of mental issue or something. She really is going off right now about taking a 10/15 minute long shower right now and just was banging on the bathroom door about my brother needing to get out so she can go in, when any other time she'd be saying "oh well there's two bathrooms in the house you can use the one in the basement." Shouting about the bathroom isn't anything serious so calm down, like she's really getting riled up over something insignificant. Then when she's shouting it all directs back to my brother and how he messed up in school and then she goes off about that and then finds something she can yell at me about. It's so frustrating, I had a great day at work today and I have to come home to this every day.

talk and feelings

I feel like my life is more boring now than it was before. I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to, the person I used to talk to like everynight stopped talking to me 3 days after my birthday (go me). Let me tell you about the lead up to it, I told ya'll that they said they no longer had feelings like they were before, I tried one last attempt at winning them back and it didn't work (not really surprising cause I had my chance), and I get a boat load of reasons why. "I use to like you so, so, so much but you never liked me back, until now. I wouldn’t say that I am completely over you but for the most part I am. Three months is kind of a long time to like some and not have them return the favour. I don’t know how but you need to stop liking me and try to get over this. Even if I do want something more with you, it just won’t work. On the real, I am 20 and I need SEX." At least I got some honesty. It kind of feels like this real reason came, the last argument and what not happened so that they could be free to do whatever without worrying about what it would mean to me. I mean hey like you said you are 20 and you need sex and a long distance thang probably wouldn't work out, but it'd have been nice to hear before feelings got involved. I mean I am also to blame, idk now that we don't talk at all it just sucks. I miss it.

When I say I want to wrap my hands around her throat, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. She just won't SHUT THE FUCK UP. Honestly yelling and screaming about this and that isn't gonna change things, it isn't gonna put my brother back enrolled in the college he went to this past year, it isn't gonna change the fact that you don't have a full time job, it isn't gonna change the fact that your life and the things around you aren't going the way you want them to, so shut up. No one wants to hear your mouth 24/7 and then you wonder why no one wants to be in the house and around you.